The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Courage is one of the key tenets of wholehearted living. However, Brown rejects the modern understanding of courage as heroics, instead utilizing the original Latin roots of the word, which means “to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart” (19). While the modern definition of courage will make us popular and well-regarded in society, the older definition stands to make us more vulnerable before other people. It requires us to let go of our defenses and the socially acceptable notion of who we should be in favor of something more flawed and authentic and is therefore intimately connected to The Challenge of Being Oneself in a Conformist World. Telling all of our heart may make us unpopular with many people. However, the people who see and accept us in our truth are more valuable companions. Moreover, by sharing our truths, no matter how shameful, we are a liberating force in a repressed world, as we create space for others to do the same.

Compassion is another tenet of wholehearted living. Brown borrows from the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön’s definition of compassion when she identifies the state of identifying with another’s pain as a journey back to “the fear of our own pain” (23): When we show compassion for another’s plight, we return to the places that scare us. This benefits the other person because they feel less alone in their pain, and it deepens their connection to the listener.

Brown believes that practicing compassion is difficult because our first instinct in the face of another’s pain is to protect ourselves from the helpless state of feeling it. We might attempt self-protection in a number of ways, including looking for someone to blame, attempting to fix the problem, judging the sufferer, or practicing sympathy instead of empathy—i.e., distancing ourselves from the other by saying “poor you” and fostering the subtext that “these things don’t happen to me or to people like me” (14). Brown’s research has shown that those who are best at compassion also excel in self-acceptance. Those who accept their own flaws and suffering are better at applying the same generosity to others. Rather than seeking to separate, they see that we are all connected by our capacity to experience similar trials and emotions.

Connection is not only the third tenet of wholehearted living but, according to Brown’s research, a key ingredient in human happiness. She argues that connection is “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship” (27). It is a mutual state that envelops both parties when they engage in an exchange that involves the truth of their feelings and experiences.

While we are biologically wired for connection from birth, and while neuroscientists have shown that our degree of connectedness to others impacts our brain development and performance, the structure of our world does not always promote this quality. Brown notes that social media tricks many of us into thinking we are connecting with many people at once, even as we have less time for the face-to-face relationships that truly nurture us or make us feel seen. Even our daily interactions with strangers and loved ones are hampered by our feeling that we are not good enough as we are and that we need to put on a front to impress them. We mask our needs and vulnerabilities, unconsciously attaching judgment to receiving help, even if we are willing to give it. Brown argues that one cannot truly be a giver and a helper without being willing to receive help from others: A withheld state will trigger a mirror response in the person one is trying to help, and mutual shame will hinder the connection.

Brown defines spirituality as “recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion” (87). Although she herself is an Episcopalian Christian who believes in the Abrahamic God, as a researcher she is less concerned with the form that spirituality takes and more with the openness and acceptance of mystery and uncertainty that believing in a higher power generates. Moreover, Brown’s understanding of spirituality as the interconnectedness of every living thing erodes the egotistical boundaries promoted by modern society, which create hierarchy, distance, and ultimately disconnection between people. Although Brown was coy for a long time about embracing spirituality in her work as a social scientist, she ultimately found that it would be dishonest to reject it, given her finding that “without exception” spirituality is a foundational component of resilience. Her research suggests that spirituality gives people hope in difficult times, as well as the critical awareness to resist media influence and numbing and addictive behaviors.

Indeed, spirituality is so important to Brown that she relabels her 2006 crisis following her encounter with wholehearted living as “a spiritual awakening” (xii). The label is appropriate, as Brown consequently sought to dissolve the ego boundaries that were keeping her trapped in a life of perfectionism as she embraced her true values and enjoyed greater connectedness with her loved ones.