All Her Little Secrets

“My thoughts were on fire. Blood. Death. This was Chillicothe all over again. And I did what I always did. I ran. My earliest memory is of running. My brother, Sam, hadn’t been born yet. My mother, Martha, had me by my hand and we were running, my little legs beating fast to keep up with her. It was nighttime. Cold outside. And she kept telling me to hurry. I don’t know who or what we were running from. I started to cry but she told me if I cried, she would have to leave me behind. So I ran.”

Upon discovering Michael’s body, Ellice is triggered by memories of her childhood, and emphasizes how she copes by running. Morris underscores Ellice’s panic with short sentences and disorganized images of her trauma that increases the tone of suspense.

“God forgive me. All I had to do was call for help. Surely calling for help wouldn’t be enough for anyone to dig through my background. Or would it? Yes. I’d made the right decision to leave his office. He was dead. My sticking around to answer a flurry of questions from the police wouldn’t bring him back. And then, in an instant, sadness engulfed me. Michael deserved better.”

Ellice’s doubt emphasizes the novel’s theme of Ethics and Moral Dilemmas as she questions her actions and foreshadows the secrets she has been hiding. The Consequences of Keeping Secrets is also highlighted as Ellice prioritizes protecting her secrets instead of notifying authorities of a dead man’s body.

“I gave a half smile. So Nate was another crusty old white guy living out his colonial fantasies by shooting up some poor animals out in the wilderness for sport.”

Although Ellice wants to like Nate, his conversation around hunting and safaris proves to her that he is the same as other white men that she has met. He believes that animals and nature are there for his personal enjoyment, which feeds into his internalized belief of white superiority.

“That’s what this was all about. This wasn’t about recognizing me as a valuable asset to the company. This was about me being a colored asset they could prop up in front of people to keep the protestors off Houghton’s doorsteps.”

Ellice realizes that the only reason that she receives Michael’s promotion is because she is Black. Houghton’s tokenization of Ellice’s race dehumanizes her, as in their efforts to seem diversified, they do not value her beyond her race, increasing the systemic racism of their organization.

“As usual, I would be ‘the only one’ on the twentieth floor, just like I’d been in the Legal Department. The lone Black person, expected to represent the success or failure of every Black woman who worked in corporate America. Logically, I knew this wasn’t true, but it didn’t stop me from feeling that way. It was a burden I’d borne since Coventry Academy Prep.”

Ellice is conscious of her role within Houghton as the only Black executive, and the pressure from the white executives to prove her value. She’s reminded of the responsibility she held in her private school and demonstrates the years of systemic racism she has confronted to achieve her level of success.

“Three hours later, the women returned home with Mario. He was missing two teeth and one of his eyes was crusted shut with blood. All because old lady Nessie from across the tracks told the police she thought she saw Mario throwing rocks at the windows of an abandoned building.”

Mario Jackson’s experience represents the nationwide racism against people of color. The police take Mario into the police station because a woman thought she saw someone who looked like Mario vandalizing a building. Morris shows that Mario is innocent of this crime, and even if he was not, that the punishment he receives does not fit the crime.

“The same guilty wash of shame flooded over me just like it did months ago when the protests began. Traitor. Turncoat. I collected a hefty paycheck every month from a company that rarely hired other people who looked like me. What would any of the protesters think if they knew I quietly worked at a place where they believed they were not welcome? Was I doing my part to help the tribe or taking ill-gotten gain from a corporate bigot?”

Ellice feels shame over her job because of her choice to continue working for Houghton even after their obvious racism in hiring. Her conflicting feelings emphasizes the novel’s theme of Ethics and Moral Dilemmas as she feels pressure to leave and stay due to the Racial Dynamics in the Workplace.

“‘You have caused me nothing but heartache since you came into this world.’ It wasn’t my first time hearing this from her, but still I had to fight back the sting of tears. I had never figured out how to make Martha happy. Maybe leaving Chillicothe would make her happy and she just didn’t know it yet. Maybe she would finally be happy when I was gone.”

Martha’s neglect and abuse towards Ellice illustrates the roots of Ellice’s inability to trust those around her. Her mother never believed her word and victim blamed Ellice when she needed support. As a result, Ellice struggles to maintain close relationships in adulthood, including with her own sibling.

“The Altamonte was established as a men’s social club at the turn of the last century. Women were allowed inside only if they were accompanied by their husbands. No Jews. No Blacks. No Catholics. Essentially, no ‘Others.’ The club deity finally decided to join the twentieth century in 1996 when they admitted their first Black member. From what I could tell, he was still the only member of color. Going to a party inside a place like this made me question the people I now called my colleagues.”

Ellice reflects on the discriminatory history of the club that Nate is throwing his cocktail party. The location foreshadows the white supremacist background of many of the board members, since the club will do anything to try to keep out anyone they perceive as “Other.”

“Two-hundred-year-old southern live oak trees draped in Spanish moss lined the winding driveway to the club. Their gnarled and twisted branches had hidden my runaway slave ancestors and cast shadows to cool the sunburnt heads of Confederate soldiers alike. A tortured past that shamefully connected all of us in the South.”

Ellice reflects on the traumatic history of the south where enslaved people fled for their lives under the same trees that Confederate soldiers rested under. This history is still at the forefront of Ellice’s mind as she enters a club that did not allow Black members to join until 1996.

“I quickly scanned the room, as I always do at events like this, looking for guest faces like mine, counting the number of women, brown folks, anyone else who might be an ‘Other’ like me. I was it. As usual. Nate’s party was a glimpse inside a lavish cross section of the world that reminded me of Coventry Academy: wealth that went beyond the imagination; people who eyed me like a party novelty; and just like Coventry, I was ‘the one.’ The good one. The safe one.”

Ellice knows that since she is the token Black person at the party, the people of the party see her as a “safe” person. The Racial Dynamics in the Workplace that Ellice encounters extend to her interactions outside of Houghton’s building, and continue to dehumanize her regardless of location.

“His question as another example of the ‘polite racism’ of the New South, much like the way Black people in Atlanta coexisted around Confederate soldier statues and venues containing the words plantation and Dixie. The expectation was that such things were harmless symbols of white heritage. They weren’t. They were relics of slavery and a secessionist society that stirred hurtful messages of racism.”

Ellice is furious at the harmful belief that objects such as the Confederate flag are not inherently racist but represent Southern history. These symbols are a constant reminder of the lengths to which white Southerners will go to preserve their “culture” than learn how these symbols perpetuate harm and racism.

“‘When elephants fight, the only thing that suffers is the grass.’ When the folks with all the power bicker, innocent folks get hurt in the process.”

The African proverb that Nate recites to Ellice provides irony to the tone of the scene, as Nate’s citation appears to equivocate those without power to grass. He pretends to express his concern for those without power, when his very metaphor upholds his racism toward Ellice, Sam, and people of color.

“Every lie you tell, every secret you keep, is a fragile little thing that must be protected and accounted for. One misstep, one miscalculation, and your safe little treasure can topple the perfect life you’ve built around them.”

Ellice demonstrates the impact of The Consequences of Keeping Secrets on her life, as she exhaustively tries to protect her illusion of a perfect life. Ironically, Jonathan’s extortion provides Ellice with the escape she requires to confront her past and set herself free.

“I had to believe that I was more than my worst mistake. Every one of my secrets had been a painful lesson that I should have been learning from instead of running from. Until I stood up and owned them, they would continue to hold me in this impossible grip of fear.”

This quote highlights the theme of The Consequences of Keeping Secrets as Ellice risks her present with revealing the trauma of her past. Ellice realizes that until she faces her past, her mistakes will always haunt her.

“Each one of us capable of doing the unthinkable for reasons we believed were right. But were any one of us less culpable than the other? Was it Vera’s place to determine the justice for her rapist? Was Willie Jay’s life any less valuable than Sam’s or Michael’s? Were my actions any less despicable than Jonathan’s?”

This quote illustrates the theme of Ethical and Moral Dilemmas when Ellice thinks about justice served and the lives impacted by her actions. She understands everyone’s ethics vary, and her reflections illustrate the morally ambiguous interactions that haunt her.

“I silently prayed for God to let me die. No one would care. Black girls go missing every single day and I could be one of them. Another young face full of promise that melts away with time and memory. No one would miss me and all the pain and heartache that crawled through me would vanish, too.”

Ellice’s thoughts after her abortion show the depths of despair she feels as she thinks her life means less because she is Black and a female. Her reflection demonstrates her understanding of the racist constructs within Chillicothe as she knows Willie Jay will never have to pay for his crime, resulting in her feeling as though her life has no value.

“I didn’t die. But something inside me did. I didn’t speak for an entire week. It was like all the pain and nausea from that night washed over me, sealing my lips as well as my emotions. What Vera called ‘grave secrets.’ The kind I’d never share with another soul on Earth. What I didn’t know was just how heavy my carpetbag of secrets would become. I’ve heard some women say having a baby changes you. Not having one can change you, too.”

Ellice’s abortion leaves emotional scars for life and shows how The Consequences of Keeping Secrets changes her as she processes her trauma. Unable to tell anyone about the loss, Ellice learns to compartmentalize her emotions as a method of survival, and this coping mechanism returns when she discovers Michael’s body.

“‘It seems wrong that someone who’s supposed to enforce the law doesn’t follow the law. What kind of justice is that?’ Vera lifted the sifter and started preparing the flour. ‘There’s different kinds of justice in the world. Willie Jay Groover sees justice one way. Some folks see it another.’”

Ellice realizes the hypocrisy of those in law enforcement who use their power to abuse others. Vera’s cryptic comment about justice foreshadows Willie Jay’s murder and her role in helping Ellice exact their view of justice.

“I couldn’t really explain it but something inside me lifted—a weight of relief or perhaps an odd joy knowing Willie Jay was never going to smoke another cigar or burn another piece of human flesh. He would never lock up another innocent person in jail or another helpless child in a backyard shed.”

Ellice feels a wave of relief that Willie Jay can no longer hurt her or her brother after she murders him. This highlights the theme of Ethical and Moral Dilemmas because Ellice does not feel guilty for killing Willie Jay, even though she knows it is wrong.

“Love with your heart. Fight with your head. It was as if Vera had declared a rallying cry directly into my ear. I tried to imagine Vera cowering to Sheriff Cooley or Willie Jay or her rapist. She never did. She was a woman who had traveled a jagged road of poverty and racism and sexism. She’d be ashamed if she knew I was sitting in my house crying about a threat from men like Jonathan and Max. She wouldn’t have it.”

Vera’s past inspires Ellice to face her fears and further investigate Jonathan and Max, despite their threats. Remembering how Vera conducted herself demonstrates how her legacy continues to protect Ellice into adulthood and illustrates the impact she’s had on Ellice throughout her life.

“I didn’t kill my brother, Detective. But Hardy King did, and it still doesn’t make any sense to me. It was like my brother was some loose piece of trash they could discard as part of their racist criminal plans. I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life. I have to live with the fact that I worked beside people who killed my brother. I sat in meetings with them and ate lunch with them. And they smiled at me, the whole time. Men who wanted to see people like you and me dead simply because of the color of our skin. […] Don’t let them kill anyone else.”

Ellice appeals to Detective Bradford’s sense of ethics by explaining her sense of disgust at herself for tolerating the Racist Dynamics in the Workplace that led to Sam’s murder. Her appeal underscores the regrets she walks away with, while simultaneously showing how her past has informed her ability to confront her presence for the benefit of her future with Vera.

“But my cardboard life of elite schools and professional success never really eased the haunting ache of growing up poor, Black, and female in rural Georgia. And all the rage and anger that I was fully entitled to was tamped down by a chorus of voices telling me to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to look the other way. So that rage and anger sat bottled up, simmering on the inside. All the while, I spent an entire lifetime calmly trying to explain to people why I needed to be in a certain classroom or worthy of a certain job. Even after my rise, I was still explaining why I needed to be in the room, with a seat at the table, and a voice in the decisions.”

In this quote, Morris explores the rage and pain that Ellice bottles up as a Black woman. Ellice’s final character development comes from realizing that she needs to allow herself space to grieve for the ways that people prevented her from being herself.